January 27, 2013

Conservatives Need Love Too, Lots of It

I've come to a conclusion about why Conservatives seem so darn heartless and antisocial. A conclusion based on my training in mental health counseling, myriad life experiences living in various locations, rural, urban, and suburban, among people of various races, cultures, religions, and socio-economic statuses. I've come to realize that staunch Republicans, and "Conservatives" in general are not necessarily cruel by nature or inherently small-minded. I realize that they don't necessarily really want to hurt other people via policies of fiscal inequity and social repression. It's that they simply are incapable of and/or unwilling to understand how much their policies hurt other people. They lack empathy.

*For the record, I am aware that there are a handful of conservatives that do not meet the broad and sweeping statements which I have to say here about conservatives in general. I've met one. In my entire life, I've met one. But I know there's more out there.

Perhaps they don't lack empathy for everyone. After all, many of them are loving spouses and parents and children. But they certainly seem to lack empathy for those who don't share very similar traits to themselves. The "single mother," the other-colored, the illegal immigrant, the woman seeking abortion, the LGBT population. Anyone who does not fit the (Caucasian 1950s?) conservative view of who is "good," who is "American," and who deserves to thrive, is therefore more difficult for the Conservative to identify with and empathize with. It's a fairly simplistic way of being in the world, really: "Don't look, think, talk, love, or feel like I do? You must be alien and unworthy of the energy it would take to empathize with you." This is how many of us humans think of people from other nations, people of other colors, and we certainly do it to other species on this planet. It seems almost a natural human trait to minimize the energies expended toward empathizing with those who don't resemble ourselves.
But we forget that just because we don't empathize doesn't mean that others don't feel. And when we do not take the time to empathize with others we end up on paths of behaviors that hurt others.

Empathy is the capacity to realistically imagine the feelings of another person and in turn come close to feeling what the other person is feeling. The first response I saw after Googling the word empathy is: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Consider this. If someone considered all that goes into parenting a child: the sacrifice, the worry, the sleepless nights, the financial bleeding....literally blood, sweat, tears and money.... if someone really thought about all they go through as a parent, in partnership with their spouse, could they possibly really conceive that a single mother living on 12,000 a year could possibly be living "high on the hog" on the government teat? If a person were capable of empathy, and practiced using empathy, is it even feasible that they would think that a single mother on welfare is living the "high life" at the expense of tax payers? No. Anyone with empathy understands that most single moms living below the poverty line are struggling to do the best they can for their kids given their circumstances.

Apparently, those with conservative social ideologies are either incapable of or are not practicing empathy in the case of their general opinions regarding single mothers. And our nation suffers for it. Because a child who struggles for food and clothing and education and the respect of their peers is expending far more energy on physical and mental survival than their peers who have full bellies, abundant resources, and the attention of two parents. Because conservatives do not exercise empathy, our nation as a whole must suffer as myriad children do not live up to their mental, physical and emotional potential because those children are struggling to meet needs that other children do not need to worry about. These children are struggling to meet those needs because social and fiscal conservatives force the children into taxing the resources of their brain and body that would otherwise go toward academics and athletics. The conservatives force those children to tax those resources by reducing or eliminating social safety nets which give those kids and their families a leg up with food stamps, health care, and educational resources.  And as those children are hindered by conservative policies, so is our nation, as myriad potential scientists, doctors, architects, engineers, teachers, etc. instead settle into jobs which get them by, earn incomes which do not benefit our nation with tax payments, struggle with the issues of economic, legal, and social disparity because conservatives didn't want to assist them grow up as healthy individuals fulfilling the potential which the wealth of this nation can provide. Am I making sense here?

And yet, social conservatives insist that any woman who is pregnant should see the pregnancy through. Even a single woman who realizes that she is not in a position to provide well for a child, who the conservatives eventually demonize for being a single mother but who they also would have demonized for having an abortion. They do not empathize with the pregnant woman who for varied potential reasons is struggling with the wrenching decision whether to bring her fetus to full term or to have an abortion. Maybe she just lost her job, maybe her husband just left her and she's an emotional wreck, maybe she was raped, maybe she has a mental or physical illness and realizes that she is not in a position to put her own full resources into parenting a child, maybe the child has a genetic illness which would likely compromise the child's well-being, mortality and/or the mortality of the mother. Conservatives would rather see the mother bear her child than abort it even in cases where the child's very existence on Earth would comprise a duration of suffering which makes the seconds of the abortion procedure look like a cakewalk.

The Conservatives' short sightedness and inability to empathize with the situations of others turns out to be a very selfish and narcissistic trait, doesn't it? Essentially they are saying, "I am either incapable of putting myself in your shoes or I simply choose not to, and you should do what I believe you should do because your own feelings, thoughts, and conclusions don't count, only mine do." They are saying, "my belief system is more important than yours." They essentially believe they are better than everyone else, that somehow they have been deemed with all knowledge of what is right and wrong in the world and they are here to make sure you live by those standards.

Conservatives withhold empathy from such a wide spectrum of groups of people, it's a wonder they have any friends at all. Is it possible that most Conservatives don't actually know any brown people, gay people, mentally ill people, hungry children, non-Christians, single moms, or elderly people? Or do they know them and just don't care about them? Do they choose to withhold empathy from the "other," or are they merely incapable of the delicious yet painful gift of having mirror neurons: empathy?

Do conservatives realize that their very definition has become synonymous with narcissism, short-sightedness, bullying, ignorance and selfishness? Yet they say that try so hard to be "good," that they are excused of bettering themselves because they are Christian. The dear hearts don't realize that the one thing they are missing is empathy. That the one thing that will save our nation is EMPATHY. That to treat others as you would yourself can be done, is done, and should be done no matter how much effort it takes for one to attempt to imagine another's circumstances. And the only way to treat others as you would want to be treated is to exert the energy to actually imagine what it is like to live in their shoes.

Empathy is something that can be learned. It is learned by witnessing and being the recipient of empathy. Once a child reaches a certain age it becomes more difficult for that child to learn empathy, but it is still possible. It is possible for our brains to flex into more empathetic machines until the day we die.

And so, my fellow liberals, if you do not like the direction that conservatives are trying to steer our towns, communities, society, and country toward, there is a way to help them see the light, to help them grow as humans and to help liberate their souls and our nation at the same time.... we must empathize with them. Not in our heads, but in action. We must listen to them speak of their challenges, hear them struggle to identify their own feelings, and we must feel and verbalize concerned empathy for them. This alone will reshape our nation and our world into a place where people really care for one another, a place where people walk the talk of the golden rule.

And let's face it, while Conservatives corner the market in non-empathy (Dick Cheney alone makes Ted Bundy look like Mother Theresa,) not all of us Liberals are flexing our capacity for kindness to the fullest. Below are some resources to develop your capacity for empathy. I personally guarantee that if you, (liberal, conservative, or other,) really try to learn and practice greater empathy toward yourself and others, you will sleep better at night, breathe a bit deeper, smile a bit bigger, laugh a bit heartier, and generally enjoy life more. You'll even have a degree of peace when you die that you wouldn't have had otherwise.

Dr. Dan Siegel talks about Empathy
A fellow blogger's musings on Empathy
The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education
Teaching Children Empathy (From Brigham Young University)
Teaching Empathy (From the Christian Science Monitor)
Why We Should Teach Empathy (An article in Forbes)
Teaching Empathy to Kids (From Parenting Science)
Teaching Tolerance resources for teachers (From Southern Poverty Law Center)
Teaching Empathy (From UtahState University)
Teachempathy.com
Dan Goleman on three varieties of empathy

And for the times when we might feel that we are not being empathized with, we must remember....we can help others to empathize with us by telling them what we are feeling, stated in direct, concrete terms. "I am feeling lonely today." "I feel so excited that we're going to the show."
And if we want empathy from others, sometimes we need to ask. "I feel really sad and I wish you would recognize that." "I'm confused about what's happening and I need your help."
People need our help to empathize with us, especially when they're busy, overwhelmed, and just stressed in general. Empathy really is a two-way street.

January 11, 2013

rat a tat tat

School shootings. Gun violence. Gabby Giffords. Second Amendment. Video Games. Capitalism. Militia groups. President Obama. Mental Health. Lobbyists. 
What do all of the above words have in common? 
They are NOT the words that need to be spoken to solve the issue of violence in our society.
These are the words that need to be spoken to solve the issue of violence in our society....
anger managment, stress reduction, inclusiveness, zero-tolerance-for-bullying, kindness, education, emotional intelligence, community, acceptance.... got more? Please add to the list by commenting.

Here is how to fix the problem of violence in our society:

1) Mandate emotional intelligence/anger management/stress reduction techniques in all school curriculums for all students K through 12. 

2) Offer free training in emotional intelligence/anger management/stress reduction techniques to all members of the public via school districts, mental health agencies, community centers, etc. Perhaps even offer tax rebates to those who participate in such programs.

3) Encourage community. The problem is not guns or video games. The problem is that there are people in our society who have anger and/or other uncomfortable feelings and/or lack of feeling and/or lack of empathy. Those people need to be drawn in by anyone and everyone who notices their marginilization. Those people must be welcomed, loved, accepted for who they are - weird or not - and cared for. People who feel cared for and accepted typically do not seek to kill others. 

It is up to you and it is up to me to discourage any act of marginilization we might see in our community. If you see kids taunting or name calling other kids, call them out on it. Find out where they live and talk to their parents about it. Bullying behavior by children or adults must not be tolerated. It is not okay. Because bullying behavior can push people who already feel marginalized to the edge. If you see adults harrassing other adults call the police. It's called preventative policing. You may feel inured, desensitized and accepting of such behavior in your community but the truth is: it is never okay for people to harrass, insult, marginalize or abuse other people. 

It is up to you to change our society. It is not up to Congress, your mayor, your sherriff, your schools, or your preacher to change things. It is up to YOU. Be kind, accept the differences of others. Do not tolerate unkindness when you witness it. It is our job to protect each other. It is no one else's job.